There’s so much more about this smile. You just don’t know. This is the web portal of a fifteen-year-old feline who grew whiskers and paws. As much as she loves dwelling in her solemn, gloomy little own world – she is also thought to be a nonsensical and ill-mannered child who eats anything but food.
Yo. It’s Rachee.
Rachelle Angeli B. Marañon for short. HAHA. I love purple. I accept friends and comments. I laugh, I love, I shop, I cry. I do everything I want; I’m still young, wild and free. I know my boundaries, mistakes and flaws. I spill secrets. I’m bubbly. I’m not aiming for the perfect me but the better me. I do what’s right or maybe wrong, but I still make of it. I laugh at myself if I did something silly. I can control my temper and everything that should be controlled. Everyone knows that life is crazy but wonderful. It can be unfair, but not at all times. I can be your worst enemy or best friend. I am weird, but not that simple. I have realized something that I should have been realizing earlier, still seeking for true friends and for my knight in shining armour. Patiently waiting and I wish they’ll come sooner or later. I don’t believe at love at first sight, nor at times even at true love. Everyone has an individual ability to make a person happy, and I can make you happy, but sometimes I can make you cry. Some people hate me but I don’t mind them because they’re insecure. I take many pictures. I had swollen my pride; my past memories are still treasured. You are welcome in my heart and I swore I won’t forget you. Keep that curve on your face; keep smiling!
I loved. I got myself hurt. I thought myself crazy. I pitied myself. I laughed. I realized I was never at the losing end.
I cannot say that I no longer think of you and what we did and what you did to me or what you used to do to me or what we used to do together. I always “TRY” to think about those things- making me realize how stupid I had been to ever have fallen in love with somebody like you. (Lame, I know. Cliché-ic, I am pretty much sure.) Nonetheless, I never thought of ever regretting for I know I had been given the biggest opportunity to know and feel that some LOVE AFFAIRS could simply just be a Friendly love affair from beginning to the end. What is special to you? I do not know. You treated me nicely, yes, you did, but didn’t you treat EVERY GIRL nicely?
I think about the times I tell you I’m not doing fine and you TRY to show you care and now I wonderhow hard you’ve tried. I think about how you call me that B word so dearly and I think of the many more girls you call many different sweet words even more dearly than you call me. I think about the many things I’ve done for you and wonder how hard it probably had been for you to pretend that you actually cared even just the slightest bit. I think about the times I felt like dying to see you and remember how you didn’t mind not seeing me unless I’d wish us to see each other. I think about you doing just EVERYTHING you wished to do making me look like I was a “nobody” and that I didn’t and shouldn’t have a say in your wants-to-do. I think about you being a real best friend to me and I think again, and I realize that was all I was to you- only that I was “labelled”. I think about all the times I tolerated what I thought was intolerable and tried to bring back the trust I thought was impossible just so I could save something I thought was worth saving. I think about being CHEATED. I think about being told a DIFFERENT STORY and hearing the REAL STORY. I think about being just an option. I think about being just ONE OF THEM. I think about all of these and I smile for the reason that I appeared stupid to most people. Moreover, I smile because I realize, now, it’s finally over. I would no longer think of those things and think myself pathetic for I know I don’t deserve those. I smile and will keep on smiling because for some time in my life, I got to know you- you, who introduced me to a more vivid world of PRETENSE, SELFISHNESS, FALSE BELIEFS, and FEIGNED EMOTIONS.
You made me realize how dumb I am to give a lot and not mind receiving less than what I deserve. Nevertheless, that will never change the way I love and would love- for I know that there’s nothing wrong with giving my all for as long as they’re given to the right person. Well, you were the WRONG PERSON. You are SELF-CENTERED, EXTREMELY OVER-CONFIDENT, INSENSITIVE, TACTLESS, and INCREDIBLY ARROGANT.
It’s not about YOU all the time. It’s not about WHAT YOU WANT all the time. I pray you find yourMATCH, just so, PERHAPS, you’d become better.
When I thought about writing this note, I never imagined I’d be writing down things which are all about you, but I don’t care because these are what came out from me and I did not choose these. I know I probably sound or appear BITTER in this note, but hey, AREN’T WE ALL when we hear LAME EXCUSES and know we couldn’t do anything about them?
I’m not sure about this being the last big thought about you. All I know is that, thoughts of you and what you did make me SICK TO THE STOMACH. Anyway, THANKS A LOT for making it easy for me to forget the good times. We didn’t have a lot. I had more bad times with you which make me remember that there aren’t really much to hold on to.
Life changes. You get it all lined up just the way you like it and then something beyond your control comes along and bumps you off center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it and say “okay, now.. stay!” But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones and sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is that every single experience you go through changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It’s your job to decide how.
I can say that defining moments are the ones when I felt the extreme. The part when I hit rock bottom and I had no one but myself. When you experience your lowest low, the greatest lesson in life is achieved.
We point out to the moments where we felt the strongest, when we ourselves can’t even imagine or believe that we are capable of enduring all those things.
Moments where we felt infinite.
The happenings in our lives that we can never forget, the people who were there to witness it and the amount of joy you had in your heart when you finally understood the purpose of all those moments you had in the past.
At age sixteen, it is somehow hilarious to say that I've already had my heart "broken" many times. It's true, though. At this young age, I have been disappointed by the male species a little more than a few times. However, I don't let these petty heartbreaks ruin me. I get hurt, of course. I even almost cried again last night when I remembered this one guy I really liked who, sadly, gave up on me. The thought of you and the faith that you exist, though, gives me hope. I may or may not have met you already, but I know, in my heart, that you are out there, somewhere.. and one day, I am going to finally find out that you are the one and the waiting will be worth it.
To be honest, the thought of my love life doesn't make me giddy at all. I'm not exactly successful in that arena. I have always wanted to believe that I can live without having to do anything with romantic love; that I'm too independent to have my happiness depend on someone else, much less a boy. No matter how hard I deny it, though, I know that when I meet you, I WILL depend on you. I will need you to be there for me because otherwise, I won't be there for me too. I will need you to survive my day-to-day life, every single second of it. I hate having to need someone in my life because it's an enormous insult to my pride, but you, I will need you. And that's because I will love you. I will love you like I've never loved anyone before. I will do everything to make you happy, even if it means risking my own happiness.
I will be your best friend. I will be there for you when you're sad. I will be there to listen to your qualms. I'll hold your hand, and I will never let go first. I'll look into your eyes and make you feel like you're the only guy that exists in my world. I will play your video games with you. I will sit on your passenger's seat when you want to feel in charge; I will drive for you if you're too tired to drive. I'll car race you. We'll play basketball... and football. I will go with you to the concerts of the artists and bands that you love the most. I will scream my lungs out with you during those concerts. We'll even go to Europe together. I've always wanted to go to Europe with you. If you want to go to Iraq, though, since guys usually want gun drama or whatever, I'll still go. Anywhere as long as I'll be with you.
I will sing to you, even if I know I have an awful voice. I will sing to you, and I will try to sing well, because you won't deserve anything but the best. I will cook for you. So far, I don't know how to cook anything, but for you, I will learn. I'll bake you cakes and cookies, and you're going to love them because they'll be a product of my love for you. I will help you with your homework, take goofy pictures with you, read to you my favorite book, watch a pile of DVD's with you, be beside you during the mass, walk by the beach with your hands laced on mine... My parents and friends will love you because they're going to see how happy I truly am when I'm with you.
But don't get me wrong. I'm not going to strangle you and give you a romance overkill. I will understand that you need time with your friends, and I'm going to give that to you. You can still go to night outs with the boys, and you can have your getaways with them, and it's going to be alright with me because I will trust you. You will give me the most genuine of smiles, and for that, all I'd ever want is your happiness. Alongside that is my own.
Now, I sit alone in my room, as I think about you and how amazing and happy we are going to be. And I won't even demand a lot. All I'd ask for is for you to keep up with me: to not give up on me, like most of the other guys did. And that would be enough.
NOTE: To view the other entries, go to OTHERS then to the ARCHIVES part. Choose between, “Latest” which contains the recent entries or the “Months” for by month posts.